did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
