i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
