Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
