is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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