You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
