we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
