and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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