You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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