Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
