Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
