someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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