i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
