worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
