It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
