Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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