You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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