I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
