Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
