I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
