1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
