I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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