I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
