I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
