Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
