I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
