he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
