I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
