He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
