its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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