did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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