Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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