i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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