why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
