Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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