you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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