clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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