I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
