4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
