His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
