What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
