Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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