mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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