I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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