So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
