I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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