A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
