i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
