Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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