my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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