I puked a lego.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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