Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
